Date Night
by PatterCake
Summary: Pb finds out that Lemongrab and LSP are dating and tries to coach him, needless to say it doesn't work out very well. (It's a... lumpygrab/lemonspace fic with some mother son stuff on the side)


"We have arrived at castle lemongrab milady." Said peppermint butler while holding the car door open for pb.

"Thanks pepbut I owe you one for driving me all the way out here. But really I refuse to let you wait till I'm done- I could take a while, it'll be past your bedtime." She stretched to loosen up after the long drive, and smoothed down her hair.

"Milady I insist. Besides we both know what your titular yellow Frankenstein can be like."

"Come on Pepper I'm already dreading this... don't remind me." She looked up at the imposing brown walls and shining lemon shaped dome of her earl's home and suppressed a sigh. Better get this show on the road anyhow.

"Thanks again pepper... I'm heading in now. See ya and don't you dare wait."

"I won't. Goodnight milady and good luck too."

"Oh..." she stopped, "one last thing"

"What is it Princess?"

"Tell me do I..." she spread her arms out and twirled to show him all of her outfit. She was wearing a fluffy light pink jumper, blue jeans, and pink pumps. She'd tied her hair into plaits and woven it around her head, and also sprayed some baby wipe scented perfume on herself that she'd made for occasions like this, "tell me do I look like a mother?"

"If I didn't know any better I'd say so. Like the mother of a very bratty and demanding infant. With a long nose. Now I'll be off as you requested."

He got back into the royal car and drove away, leaving pb to be let in and showed to the main hall by some servants alone.

The lemon servants scampered back to their posts after telling her to wait here. So Pb stood and waited, lost in thought and in the overwhelming smell of lemons that permeated every inch of his castle.

Then some other servants came to get her. They led her deeper into the castle and into what looked like a darkly lit dining room. She took the seat at the head of the table, as she was used to. One of the servants set down a plate with a lemon on it and they all vanished.

Everything was quiet. She wondered if she should just wait or go looking for him... mein glob these people were so weird! Why couldn't they just do things normally!

Lemongrab watched her begrudgingly from the shadows. She didn't notice him creep into the light so he cleared his throat.

"Oh! Hello Lemongrab!" She exclaimed.

"mmMother princess," he acknowledged while glancing at the clock on the wall, "what an unexpected surprise."

"But not an unacceptable surprise!" She joked.

Lemongrab looked very different today. He wasn't wearing his regular workclothes and was instead wearing what looked like a black and white dinner jacket, with ironed bone white completely spotless trousers, and fancy black shoes. He had a white lemon flower clipped to his lapel and, as usual, stank of lemons.

"Hmmnnnnnnggh I diiiid tell you to call first. You see, normally I would be so gay to see you but alas I am occupied today-" Lemongrab glanced at the clock again, he seemed to be very agitated by how he kept wringing his hands every now and then. "Occupiiiiieeeed With kingdom business of utmost importance!"

Technically it wasn't a lie. His self esteem and general mood went through the roof after seeing her, and the wellbeing of it's ruler was kingdom business. As was the fact that if everything continued to go as well as it had so far then the lumpy princess might one day raise the lemon kingdom's heir. Which was a kingdom matter. All in all it was kingdom business so no lies had been told. No excuses made. No misleadings misled.

So there was no need for guilty feelings.

However that didn't stop him feeling guilty. He didn't want to lie to his glob and mother, who could unmake him and whose will should be absolute to him, especially not when he wanted to talk about lsp to her and tell her how nice it was to be around her and how caring and gentle she was with him. But he doubted his mother would understand.

"I didn't know you had business." Said pb.

"You did not contact me so I could not... infooorm you I would be... occupied."

"No I mean in general. I didn't know you were actually doing earl stuff. I thought you just yelled at things and bit people. Oh."

She'd done it again. She always ended up letting these kind of things slip out.

Finn had told her about all the catcher's mitts he had displayed in empty rooms. It reminded her of when she'd let him watch TV as a treat for being good (didn't scream all day) and there had been a scene in a film (or advert she hadn't really cared) of a father playing catch with his son in the park.

He'd been mesmerised. She'd never seen him so absorbed... Yet alone so quiet. From then on she stuck him in front of the screen or a book or just told him to stare at the wall whenever she could. He'd never said anything about it but secretly he'd hoarded catcher's mitts in the hope, she'd realised, that she'd play with him one day. Placing each one on a pedestal and her on the highest one of all.

She remembered how happy she'd been when she first made the lemon camel. That she could mix together lemon candy and actual sour matter from real lemons to create a new race of sour candy. Who would be harder, sturdier, stronger. More independent. Able to think for themselves. She wouldn't need to mother them. They wouldn't need looking after, in fact, they could look after the other candies. She'd be free to go out more, to take days off, to see Marceline and tell her "I still love you." And that was why when Lemongrab uttered his first scream she hadn't been able to stop the disappointment rushing in. He was everything she hadn't wanted. Cowardly, clingy, attention seeking, selfish, unable to get on with others, annoying and ugly to top it all off- at least her other candies were cute.

Everything about him was wrong. Even his voice ended out weird - the lemon juice she'd poured down his throat while making him must've melted or coated some of his candy vocal cords or something. Most of the time she'd been able to ignore him.

But sometimes she couldn't help but wish that she'd never made him at all.

So seeing those mitts while stitching up a new earl and realising that he'd been secretly watching all this time, learning from her how to be a parent, had been a wake up call. She'd preached down to him that candy people need constant snuggling and stroking without thinking that he too was a candy person, and she'd never once hugged him. Little lemonhope locked away so none of the normal people could see him and be made uncomfortable... Who could he have learned that from? She'd said that he was her creation. Her responsibility. But whether she liked it or not, she'd somehow gotten herself the responsibilities of a parent as well as of a glob. And she had to act a certain way even if she hated it, or he could lose what few marbles he had left.

And now she'd made out that there was something wrong with him again.

"I mean I'm very proud of you." she added, "What sort of, uhh, business are you doing?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Earl stuff. I've introduced... taxation in reeeecent months..." he stated flatly.

"That's really great... buddy?" Now lemon people can be just as miserable as the rest of the world, she thought to herself.

"Mmmmmmm yeeeesss..." his pupils slid around slowly to look at the clock and then slid back.

Pb waited from him to say something. He waited for her to get up and leave so he could finally head out. The result was unbearable, long silence.

Pb started absent mindedly tapping her fingers on the table. Come on girl say something to him or he'll go crazy again! Just anything! Come on girl common topics small talk... What do parents normally ask their kids I mean he thinks I'm his mom right? And here inspiration struck

"How was school today?"

Lemongrab blinked in surprise. "I don't... Go to school mother, I mean, your Highness. You wrote all necessary knowledge on my brain prior to giving me life."

"Oh yeah. Yeah I guess ha ha." AAAA WHAT WAS THAT! But literally what am I supposed to say to him? We just talked about kingdom stuff and It's not like he has any hobbies... I mean what am I supposed to do? Ask if he's screamed at anything recently?

"Have you screamed at anything recently?"

"No... I've been controlling my temper better... What happened before was... Unacceptable behaviour..."

"Yeah you ate your brother. I'm glad you know that was wrong."

"Yes I recall I was the one getting eaten..." He said, letting a little of his annoyance bleed through, "Now... As I was saying," he started backing away into the shadows he'd come from, "I have important business to attend to. As I mentioned. If you were not paying attention before you may pay attention now."

"What business is it by the way?" asked pb, "Is there gonna be any screaming or biting-Not that there's anything wrong with that whatever makes you happy makes me happy but I'm surprised that you're planning on collecting taxes today or... What are you doing exactly?"

"That's a government secret." He said and was about to walk out when he remembered something about eye contact being important and turned around to face her, walking backwards into the wall and having to slide around with his back touching it till he found the door and slipped out of the room.

A lemon person who looked like an older, smaller, hunched over Lemongrab hobbled in and took away her uneaten lemon.

"What's the earl doing today?" She asked him curiously.

Lemon waiter, while loyal to the earl who clearly wanted to keep his private affairs private, was also loyal to the princess his leader was subordinate to, meaning by royal custom he had to answer honestly. And royal custom was something lemon people took very seriously.

"Meeting up with the princess of lumpyspace." He muttered.

"Meeting up with her... That's odd... I mean, they're gonna hate each other. She's going to get on his nerves and you remember fat Lemongrab, it's best not to get on his nerves. I've got to stop this."

She crossed the room and went into the hall where Lemongrab was raking a comb over his completely bald head for some reason.

"Lemongrab I'm afraid I can't let you go out tonight. Well I'm not afraid as I'm scared but yeah basically I just... Can't."

"WHAT? Why?"

"LSP is a very... Umm... Intense person and I'm afraid you won't like her..."

Lemongrab rotated his head 180 degrees to glare at lemon subject 58, who was trying to sneak out having stolen the lemon for himself.

"I mean what are you two seeing each other for anyway? I doubt LSP cares about what's going on with her kingdom- she doesn't care about anything except magazines and drama and maybe Marceline but I'm not sure." She trailed off.

"We're seeing each other for what people usually see each other for Iiiiiii assuuuume," he snapped, "now I must be away. If I don't turn up 4 hours early I won't be able to interrogate the restaurant staff and make sure they all meet the dEEsired standards... or else."

"A restaurant? Oh..." A terrible thought occurred to her. Surely not... there was no way but even so she asked

"What do you mean what people normally see each other for? You guys are just going to like... Discuss imports and like... Peace treaties and uhh... Crime rates and boring stuff aren't you? You make it sound as if you're... dating."

"Is it so wrong if we are? Do you have a problem with it? With my relationshiiips with a woman? Am I not allowed tooo have a sweetheart now?"

"No I'm not saying you're not allowed to have a girlfriend I'm just really shocked. I didn't think you even KNEW what a girlfriend was? I have so many questions like: huh? What? And huh? And... What?"

Lemongrab looked flustered and angry at this. His eyes turned to slits and he scrunched his hands into fists.

"There's... I'm not doing anything wrong here I'm not in the wrong in this situation I know my rights and I! As an earl have a right to court a princess! I have a RIGHT! I AM right! And you... Yooooouuuuuu with your... Judging judgements are wrong!"

Pb wasn't listening. She was just muttering to herself.

"Lsp... With... LSP and Lemongrab... Restaurant... Going out...LSP of all people. What? I mean how did you two even meet?"

Lemongrab looked at the floor in humiliation and quietly said "...Tindr."

"WHAT! Since when have you been on tindr what the hell show me your phone right now!"

Lemongrab took a step back and hissed "I will NOT! I am a leman of leeegal age I do what I WANT! Anyway, you also had a girlfriend so shut up and- and get off MYY BACK!

Pb was shocked inro silence for a few moments. "Fine be like that! But how...Are you by any chance- no LSP wouldn't stoop that low even for that much ice-cream... So... Why? I don't understand, according to all known logic you two should hate each other..."

"Well your logic is wrong we are incredibly enamored with each other." he gloated

"We're like THIS!" Lemongrab smugly wrapped two of his fingers around each other twice in a way that shouldn't be physically possible.

"But..but..." Now that the initial shock of being exposed to the triple hit combo of lemongrab going on a date, lemongrab going on a date with lsp of all people, and of lemongrab being on tindr had gone she remembered why she was here. Okay. Let's think.. we're going for caring fun mom here what should I do...

"I'll support any terrible decision you make, buddy," she said, patting him haphazardly on the shoulder, which he hissed at, "hey I know... I've known lsp for years how about I" oh glob oh glob I don't want to do this oh glob "help you get ready for your...date."

"Wait what?"

"Yeah I can... tell you what kind of things she likes... what her um, hobbies are y'know things her boy... her boy...friend needs to know. Show you how to tie your tie and uhh... that sort of thing. Come on it could be a nice bonding experience." For you... she finished bitterly in her head.

"W-well..." he looked down anxiously, "if you insist but I have managed pretty ok by myself so far. And I know what my beloved's hobbies are without you."

"Come on it'll be nice! And educational! First things first... can you tell me what's wrong with your outfit?"

Lemongrab looked down at himself with a confused and annoyed expression. He looked at his arms and slowly turned them over in wonder.

"Is there... something wrong...?"

"Here's a hint: Your trousers don't match your jacket and you look stupid."

"My predecessors were blown to pieces and stitched back together with red thread. I was so lost and so afraid of that eternal darkness oh woe was me..." lemongrab got a faraway look in his eye and silently shaped words with his mouth, staring at nothing

"That doesn't mean you can't take fashion advice."

"But my predecessors-"

"What about them?"

"lemonBLAACK and lemonWHIITE!"

"What do you m- Oh you mean it's like a, like a reference to them. Like half of you is black half of you is white. Well that's nice and all but you should change your trousers."

"But But But the... the black I can't wear all black and be like him! I'm me! I'm not him! I'll never be like him... not again not ever... no more eating... no more dungeons..."

"Lsp cares a lot about fashion. She cares about fashion more than she cares about other people, so if you want her to like you, you should probably change your trousers."

"I'll do nothing of the sort my princess has never complained to me about my appearance not once do yooouu hear! Not a peep!"

"Okay okay if you say so..." Pb decided to give upon this one, "Dude... chill... Take it down a peg."

"Hmmph..." Lemongrab crossed his arms and stood there looking annoyed, "Harrumph..."

"Okay so your fashion is a topic for another day I get it. Now let's see about your... Um... Table manners! Yeah."

"Tables don't have manners. They're not sentient. I'm shocked you'd think that... that's not even a rookie mistake. Are you.. feeling acceptable? Do you require rest and REEEEEEEEEECUPERATIIIOOON?"

"No I mean your manners. Like... How you hold your fork and how you sit yadda yadda. Like uhh... for example." She rummaged in her pocket for some of the candy she always carried around just in case one of her candy people got hurt and she needed to patch up their candy matter ASAP.

"Here." She handed him two candy canes. Good for mending bones, and a nice snack, "let's pretend that these are your knife and fork."

He awkwardly held them in his fists.

"And now let's pretend that I've set down a plate of- what do you usually have when you go out?"

"I don't eat anything. I do want food to live, but no eating for recreation, they are... seperate activities."

Pb raised her eyebrows. "Then why in glob's name do you go to a restaurant together?"

"I like to watch her eat. I like watching her. It... Feels warm inside..." Lemongrab muttered dreamily, "She's very pretty and such a lovely colour... And she's so nice to me... To be a fly on the wall when she goes to sleep!"

Pb laughed uncomfortably. "I'm not even gonna ask."

Lemongrab tapped his candy canes together as he thought.

"Am I... Supposed to eat something too? She's never once... filed a complaint letter to me about my... Table manners as you deeescriiibe them."

"Well," she tried to explain, "if someone sits and stares at you while you're eating I imagine that'd be pretty uncomfy... Unpleasant, even... Dare I say unacce-"

"NO! NO! ONLY I DECIDE WHAT IS- actually maybe you're on to something. Maybe this is a bit creepy. Hmm... Very well... Tonight I shall...mmmm... Eat..."

"That's really good to hear!" Finally she was getting somewhere! "Let's pretend that I've set down a plate of uhh... Meatloaf in front of you, pretend to eat it. Got that?"

Lemongrab stared into space intensely and didn't answer.

"Do I need to repeat myself?"

Pb couldn't imagine the internal turmoil he was currently in: he didn't know what a meatloaf was. A loaf... Of meat? But loaves are made of bread? And yet...meat? And this is just something that exists and people know about it and no one has yet seperated the meat and the loaves into their rightful places? That borders on unacceptable!

"Should I talk slower for you?" Pb asked kindly. Oh man... She thought, LSP is gonna wipe the floor with this poor little freak.

"No. What I will do in this... strange fake interaction is throw my Meaty Loaf out of the window and demand something else."

"Okay... Then you can have an... Umm... How do you feel about schnitzels?

"YEEEES schiiiiiitzels... Those are nice! I like schnitzels!"

"Okay. I set down a plate of schnitzels, what are you gonna do?"

"I throw my knife and fork on the floor, and then I scoop them up, and I put them in my mouth and-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there buddy," Pb said holding up her hand, "that's not gonna get you a call back. You're not meant to eat with your hands it's really unsanitary."

"I sweat cleaning agents so I don't think I need to wash my hands," Lemongrab explained, "but I guess I could wash my hands. But then I'd have to go to their bathroom. And go to the public sink and use the public door and I'd have to touch theiiirr NNNNNGGGHH DIRTY DOOR with my clean hands to leave and I can't do that to myyyyyy impeccable body!"

That's the last word I would use to describe your body Pb thought.

"You're meant to hold your knife and fork in your hands and use them like this." She mimed cutting a schnitzel, "see?" She mimed popping it in her mouth, "oh invisible nonexistent schnitzels taste like... Nothing. Do you get it now?"

"No."

She frowned. "Have you never... seen anyone use a knife or fork? Why is this such a hard concept?"

"I have noticed the use of such utensils but it's not for me. I am LemonGRAB for a reason - I have my little yellow hands and they work fine. And it's nice to feel the textures so I know what it will feel like in my mouth. Textures are important. If they're bad my day will be ruined."

"Oh gross ..." She thought, "gross gross he's so gross!"

"And who says that your courting ways are right anyway?" Lemongrab was started to get pretty worked up... what was the meaning of all this judging and how was it supposed to help him? "All of the things you've judged and told me are wrong sheeee's said she really LIKES about me... she thinks my formal attire makes me look handsome and that such bold and deeply symbolic aesthetic choices are what mmmmmm fashion is aaall about! She also eats with her hands and she likes that she can... behave freely around me!"

"And what about your weird hang ups?" she asked.

He stopped at that. He often ended up having to leave early because there was food on a blanket, or things were too bright, or too dark, or smelt bad, or were too loud, or he was just sick and tired of being alive, the list went on and on. He got the feeling that it bothered her, but alas, what could he do? He was just a lemon.

"Well... Well everyone has... Issues with the world and it's... Not much of a problem for us." He lied, "I always take the tablecloth off before we eat so there's no food on the blanket. HOLD THE PHONE What do yoooooooou," he pointed accusingly, "Want to know for anyway? You don't... Care about my comfort. You want nothing to do with me for years... You create another heir to replace me... you lock me out of your life you say I'm a failure and as soon as I no longer need you and have my own life and lover you suddenly turn up and start criticising me!"

"I'm sorry Earl. Just... Please understand, I only want what's best for you." That's... True I do want that, "I mean I'm going to be honest, LSP isn't someone I actually know all that well but I do know you... and I know that if you got.. rejected or if she hurt you you'd be really upset. Like... REALLY upset like legit."

"Mother I can see that you mean well but..."

"I can see you've got your heart set on this, but you're VERY different from any other boy I've seen her dating."

Lemongrab looked taken aback. his pupils narrowed in surprised and his voice shook a little "Other... Boyz..."

"You're really not what I'd guess to be her type."

"You think I'm... not her type?" He asked quietly.

"I mean you look very different compared with Brad and Johnnie and your... What do you call it? Your lemon styles are very different from her uhh... Lumpy styles... I just don't want to see you get hurt."

lemongrab looked at the floor in distress and didn't say anything.

"You know that, right buddy?"

"I'm not your buddy." He spat.

"YO YO don't be rude! I thought you said you wanted to do better this time remember? Calm down, take deep breaths."

"I AM calm." He hissed.

Pb raised her hands and said sternly "Woah you need to chill out Lemongrab."

"I AM CHILLED MOTHER!" He screamed.

He couldn't believe this! Never wanted never needed and now suddenly a spectacle for criticism! What for! What had he done to deserve this examination? And all these hurtful, jealous thoughts...

"She's the only one that I care for warmly..." he thought to himself, "But... If it is not reciprocated then... Then our hearts are unbalanced and there is a discord between us, a rift which shall fester like mould on bread and we shall end up parting. No more hand holding, or phonecalls, no more dinner together..." He wanted to cry.

"I don't want that. I want us to stay together. How can I do that? There is so much I don't know... I didn't know about table stylez or this... Meaty loaf creature. What if that's her favourite food? Or her blood is made out of liquid meatloaf? What then? I will appear as an utter buffoon to her! And there's other things that I don't know which I don't know of because I don't know them! True ignorance is to not even know the borders of your ignorance and that is what I am! I am Lemongrab earl of stupidville with a population of my dummy self. How can I fix this how oh how can I impress my dearest into love... Recondition myself? No, no the chamber was destroyed by my hand, and it would take too long, I need to be there by..." He checked his wristwatch, "I need to be there NOW!"

Lemongrab seemed very stressed but at least he wasn't screaming. Just flapping his arms and staring at the air. Maybe he really was doing better this time.

He composed himself and turned to her.

"In light of the new information you have presented I see that our relationship is... Doomed to be a sour failure. You may accompany me to my sadness chamber."

He started down the hall and she followed him.

"Earl I'm glad you've realised that she isn't right for you I'm sure you can find someone else. Maybe. I mean... I'm sure there's an uhh..." Pb tried to picture what a match for Lemongrab would look like but couldn't.

They continued down the hall and up some stairs into what looked like an older part of the castle. It had bare walls and was differently furnished to the rest of his house.

"We have arrived," He opened a door for her and stepped aside, "please enter the chamber of grief."

Pb strolled into the room feeling pleased. She was active in his life! She was steering him away from bad decisions! He wasn't going to go crazy and bite someone again! She had succeeded as a parent! Maybe this mother stuff wasn't so bad after all.

In the middle of the room was a stand like the ones Finn and Jake had described to her, only there was a photograph on it instead of a catcher's mitt.

She turned around to see Lemongrab hurriedly slamming the door on her

"What?" She rushed forwards, "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry mother." Came his muffled voice, "I'm truly sorry. But also I'm not sorry."

"Oh you'd better be."

"In that case I am sorry mother. But please understand. I... Have never felt like this before. And I really want her to like me. I thought I was doing pretty okay but after what you said I started getting strEEEEssed that I am not right, and I express my affection incorrectly. I don't have enough time to recondition myself into a man worthy of her, so instead I will have you guide me. If needs be I will keep you captive my whole life."

Lemongrab started dropping screws and bits of plastic through the key hole.

"Build a Walkie talkie for yourself... using theeese spare parts. You will use it toooo direct me."

"What! Are you- what am I asking, I know you're crazy... Just let me out of here! I'm sorry I insulted your eating with your hands skillz or whatever! Just let me out! Don't do anything dumb!" She heard him running away down the hall, "I SAID - oh fudge! Great!"

She kicked the yellow wall in frustration and sighed. There were no windows and he'd locked the door. Better start building that walkie talkie.

There wasn't any time for him to get changed. He wished he could get changed - mother had made a big deal out of it. And even though dressing like one of his predessesors reminded him that they were gone and he was the only lemongrab left alive and made him extremely depressed he'd do it in a heartbeat if it meant she'd like him. But there was simply no time.

He sprinted out of his castle, followed by a troupe of lemon people that knew what was going to happen once he reached the restaurant.

Lemoncamel trotted towards him, assuming he would ride him but instead lemongrab just frog jumped over him and carried on sprinting like a madman.

He made it in record time and screeched to a halt in front of an establishment labelled "RESTAURANT" by a large sign.

"Hnnnnggghh needless typographical variation..." lemongrab hissed, "why all the capital letters... grrrrrnnnggghh..."

But there was no time for anger. He had to get to work. Lemongrab went round the back and crawled into the kitchen through the window and started lecturing the kitchen staff that if they slipped up and hurt his girlfriend's feeling by, for example, bringing her barf on a plate or any vegetables he would die of shame and take them down with him.

While this went on the lemon people crawled in after him and started handing the kitchen staff dollar bills coated in lemonjuice, telling them 'you go home we'll handle this.'

Once the kitchen had been emptied of professionals and refilled with sentient lemons Lemongrab went and took a seat at his table. Reserved in advance of course. Though the reservations got harder every time, as he was now banned in most of Ooo's dining places. He had only got this reservation because he said his name was Jake the dog. He took off the tablecloth and passed it to lemonwaiter to put away.

He checked his watch and saw that it was now 6... time for their rendezvous. Or would be, if she wasn't always late.

However, much to his surprise he saw a purple cloud hovering outside. LSP was wearing a pompous looking hat and what looked like an Elizabethan dress. She and her 1.5 metre dress somehow squeezed through the restaurant doorway and sat down across from him.

"Hi." She said.

"Hello!"

"How uhh ... How dare you?"She asked unsurely.

"And how dare yooouu~"

"I've been doing ok I guess..." She muttered, fiddling with her hat.

"That's so MMMM wonderful to hear! I'm glad to see you... Doing well..."

"Yeah... I'm fine." She lied.

He clapped his hands together, which he always did when he was happy.

"Would you like to order? WAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-" lemongrab's voice reached a frequency only cats and aliens can hear, "-TTTTEEEEEEER!"

Lemonwaiter hobbled over, "Yes your earlness? And of course," he bowed, "your highness."

"I would like..." said lemongrab, staring at the menu and not reading anything because he forgot his glasses, "a raw lemon... with extra bitter lemon juice- I want to feeeel my tastebuds dying! And... mmmm... what drink... hmm...kitten milk. Her Highness will, I assume, have her usual banquet."

"Actually I'm having the same as you. A raw lemon, extra bitter lemon juice on the side and uhh... Kitten milk."

He looked up in surprise, "You request... Raw lemon? With Kitten milk to wash it down?"

"Yeah. What can I say I lumping I mean uhh... Lemoning? Love raw lemon with Kitten Milk. It's pretty, um, acceptable."

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards at the sound of her saying acceptable.

"If you say so. Fetch us... Two raw lemons with extra bitter lemonjuice and kitten milk, please."

Lemongrab put his chin in his hands and fondly watched her dive under the table for some reason, and then come back and readjust her huge hat.

"You are radiant this evening...as always..." he thought to himself and touched the back of his neck self consciously, as if he'd actually said it.

Lemonwaiter set down two plates with two lemons, and two glasses filled with milk. How he acquired this milk no one wants to know.

Lemongrab cut his lemon in half and threw one half on the floor for Ploptop, who liked to hide under tables, to eat. He had told mother he would eat today but he hadn't said he'd eat a lot.

LSP looked under the table and kissed her teeth in annoyance. She looked back up at him and after a visible wrestle with her conscience asked:

"Is that all you're gonna like... eat or?" LSP gestured at his plate with her fork. "That's not a lot...I mean I've never actually seen you eat so I assumed you had like... dentist or something but that's really not a lot. Legit I'm a bit worried."

Lemongrab was happy that she was worried about him. He nervously tapped his fingers on the table as he answered.

"I... ate a lot at lunch today... I had twoooo spoonfuls of lemonjons... normally I have only 1... I was greedy..."

LSP was horrified. "You eat 2 spoonfuls for lunch and that's IT! What the hell that can't be good for you - let me see your wrists."

He held out his hands and she wrapped a hand around his wrist.

"Dude look at how skinny you are... I can wrap my fingers around in a circle with no problem and leave a big gap what the hell you REALLY need to start eating more."

He pulled back and rubbed his arm. "I'm... afraid of putting on weight."

"Come on Lemongrab that's dumb. You're like... miles away from being fat you're SUPER skinny and anyway, there's nothing wrong with being fat, I'M fat"

"No it's..." He winced a little as he remembered, "I'm afraid of being like him..."

"You mean... him as in..." she gestured vaguely, "the first one?"

He nodded.

She'd heard bits and pieces about lemongrab 1, and from what she could tell it was a pretty sad story. And a juicy one at that. Cannibalism made for great gossip.

But it clearly really bothered him, and with anyone else she would've probably demanded to know everything, but Lemongrab was different. He was sensitive. She tried not to pry and as a result she didn't know a whole lot so she couldn't really comfort him. She hadn't known his predecessors.

But she did know him.

"That's really dumb because like... it's impossible for you to be like him because you're like... idk how to describe it but you said that you're different people right?"

"Yeeeees..." He frowned, "I... don't quite follow it must be admitted..."

"Well like... okay so basically me and my mom yeah... I love her but she wears an ugly wig and thinks it looks good, cries all the time, and kinda traumatised me as a kid when she didn't buy me roller skates because apparently I 'don't have any legs' and I really, really do not wanna grow up to be like that, so kinda like how you feel."

He nodded. "Yes yes I follow."

"But the great thing is that I'm NOT my mom." She continued, "We're different people, and I'm not going to end up like her no matter what because I'm NOT her, so it's impossible. Even if we're similar in some ways, we're not the same and we never will be, no matter what I do, y'know? I can't change the, like, fundamental principle and all that lump. Plus we're super different anyway like I have great taste in wigs and she'smarried to my dummy dad while I'm dating an amazing guy."

Lemongrab blushed and covered his face. "S-stop that! How dare you!"

Just at this moment a static sound came from the Walkie talkie that'd stashed in the inside pocket of his jacket.

He'd completely forgotten about that.

He whispered into it. "hello...hello..."

"Yes hi I'm coming to you live from the weird room you locked me in! Let me out!"

"Mother I need you to guide me...I need to change I'll do whatever you say just tell me what I'm supposed to do."

"You do realise that imprisonment of this calibre is ILLEGAL!" She yelled, "I'm going to have you arrested as soon as I get out of here! It'll be 3 days no, 2 WEEKS in the dungeon for you if you keep this up. How about now, is she still so important to you?"

He looked up at her taking her glass of cold milk and pouring half of it out onto something under the table, "Yes... yes she is Mother."

Pb groaned...of all the days to leave her phone at home.

"Mother... pleeeaaase..." He pleaded"Okay okay fine I'll help you with your love life for glob's sake! Here... I know what you should do. You should write her a love letter." she prayed Lemongrab was dumb enough to fall for it

"Yes... yeah okay! That sounds good lets go let's go dictate the love words to me!" He got a napkin and readied his pen.

"Okay so-"

"o-k-a-y... s-o..." He scribbled

"No that... that wasn't the.."

"N-o...t-h-aaat- what was the last part I wasn't listening."

This was going to be easy.

"Now put: this is pb. I am being held captive in lemongrab's excessively cryptic crib and forced to Ratatouille style run his date with you. Please save me soon as he's probably going to forget to let me out after this is over. This may seem upsetting but you are dodging a HUGE bullet here. trust me."

Lemongrab wrote it out and decided to read over his letter to make sure the spelling and punctuation were all perfect, and quickly realised that something wasn't right.

"Tricky tricky tricky. trying to trick me but not today. Not today oh no I will not be tricked. I will not be FOOOOOLED. Your attempts to thwart your own son's advances have been speared by my stone cold reason and intellect; you didn't tell me to sign my name."

With that he wrote: lots of love, your lemmy. XOXO. And dropped it next to her plate.

"Oh you wrote me a lil love note huh well uhh... Uhhh hold on I need to umm... Check my shoes? Anyway. Bye."

She dived under the table and when she came back, she picked up the note he'd so carefully written, and ate it.

"... Did you give it to her?" Pb demanded.

"Yeees..." Lemongrab replied, "but she ate it."

Pb groaned. You could tell she was his girlfriend...

"My uhh...intestines liked your letter." LSP said, "anyway... how are your, um, dungeons doing?"

"She wants to know how my dungeons are doing what should I say what should I say?" Lemongrab panicked.

PB put the walkie talkie down so she could think about how to get out of this situation without any distractions. What could she do? Well... she just needed to tell him what to do didn't she? But he'd said he'd keep her captive his whole life if need be... So in that case she just needed to show him that she was really no good at this and then he'd let her go?

She picked up the walkie talkie, held it to her head, and said "You should fart."

"What?" asked Lemongrab, confused beyond reason, "Why? I don't quite see how-"

"It'll be funny. Girls like funny guys."

"I don't think I could... even if I triiied... You still haven't fixed myyy digestive system."

"Well just make a fart noise with your mouth then like this." She blew a raspberry.

He was horrified.

"... Mother did you just... Fart? In front of ME? Y-Your so- your heir and EMPLOYEE?"

"No!" PB insisted, "I just-I BLEW A RASPBERRY! I DIDN'T FART!"

"I think you did mother." Lemongrab replied, "I think you did. Do not be afraid- Gastronomic movement is natural and nothing to be ashamed off, it happens, everyone tooties with their booty."

Pb cringed.

"As princess I'm passing a new law decreeing that you're never allowed to say that again. Ever."

She sighed. This evening got worse and worse as time went on.

"Do I still have to fart?" He asked nervously.

"No Lemongrab... you don't.. you don't have to fart buddy let me.. let me think of something... umm..."

While she thought Lemongrab explained to LSP that he'd got rid of his dungeons and was now trying to establish a fair and just prison system.

"Yeeeessss veeery tricky business... we do trials now, I'm on the jury. What sort of system does yooouuur kingdom have?"

"Oh uh... hold on.." She went under the table again, "Feudal." came her muffled voice and she resurfaced. "We especially hate harp players in lumpy space."

"Feudal?" This was all very unlike her, he'd had an odd feeling all evening. This strange garb, asking about dungeons.. wanting to eat a raw lemon... very odd... "Hate... harp players but wh-"

The walkie talkie started buzzing again so he broke off.

"Okay listen I have a plan..." said Pb, "A plan that's gonna get you slumping on those lumps-"

"I don't like the way you're talking about her nnngghh she has a nice personality...how dare you..."

"That's a very enlightened comment buddy, I'm sorry. Anyway what you need to do in order to get the girl or whatever your sick lil don Quixote mind thinks is going on is: take off your trousers. Sit there in your underwear."

"NNNnnnngghh Princeeeess are you sure about this?" He said as he eased his shoes off under the table.

"Yeah yeah. How clean is your underwear by the way?"

"Very clean... I ran all the way here and I sweat cleaning agents... so I imagine all mmmmy clothes have been... well rinsed."

"That's disgusting! Make sure to tell her! Tell her in great detail how sweaty you are!"

Lemongrab stood up and finished taking his trousers off in front of the whole restaurant. Several children started crying. People got up and left. He folded his trousers and neatly put them on the table.

"I'm incredibly sweaty." he explained, and sat back down, freezing.

"That's really nice," muttered LSP before diving under the table again.

"She keeps doing that..." He wondered to himself, "Is there a museum down there... or something? OH!" He suddenly realised that he was sitting in his underwear and wished he hadn't taken the tablecloth off.

She came back up and dumped his trousers on her plate. He watched in shock as she tried to cut his trouser leg with her knife and fork.

"Mother she's eating my trousers!" He squealed into his walkie talkie.

"That's great honey, now uhh.. wait is she really? That's a bit... maybe... well the next bit should work either way!"

"Mother I am worriiieeed... I'm filled with CONCERN! Should I ask her if sheee's...okay?"

He was starting to feel really anxious. There was clearly something wrong with her this evening.

"Girls like a real man so try to be as awful to her as possible.. tell her she's dumb though that's actually kinda true... hmm... maybe pepper in a few slurs... you can judge for yourself what you need to say but basically try to make her cry."

"MAKE HER CRY I-I can't do that... there's no way I can do that..."

"You took your trousers off in a crowded restaurant didn't you? Come on... don't you trust me, buddy?"

"I...I... AAA I DON'T LIKE THIS!"

Things didn't seem to be going well. He assumed his mother knew what she - or rather, what he, was doing but even so it was odd. Love letters when they were meant to be eating, Farting... He didn't even want to think about his trousers... Toxic masculinity...These didn't seem very romantic gestures.

And she wasn't reacting to them well. He examined her again to see her reaction and to his shock she was holding her nose trying to drink the kitten milk and looked like she was about to cry.

Which was what his mother had said was supposed to happen but seeing her like that... was so awful! It was like he'd stubbed his toe but worse...He had to do something about it.

He debated internally and finally put his phone down. To heck with everything! Something was wrong with her and that came first.

"There is something unusual about you tonight! You're not your usual self! You're... An unusual self!"

"What are you talking about I've always been like this, your earlness." She said sweetly.

"Your earlness? YOUR EARLNESS! When have I ever been an earl to you I thought I was... I thought I was... Lemmy..." He whispered, "your Lemmy? This isn't... There is something off about you."

"There's nothing off about me," she said defensively, "I've... Always been super sophisticated and um, yeah all that stuff. Anyway I'm always going to be like this for the rest of my life there's no need to talk about it so enough."

"But you say 'like this' you imply that there is something different about you, the way you dress the way you act... Has something happened to you?" He reached across and touched her hand, "Did something scare you?

"Uh... W-well..." She seemed to be on the verge of giving in but she snapped back, "No I'm fine I said I was fine just... Lay off me already! I mean- oh my gl- oh my goodness I apologise I didn't mean to offend you. Your Earlness.

Lemongrab was on the verge of threatening her with a knife. "TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG AAAAA! PLEASE! I WILL DO ANYTHING!"

The Walkie talkie rattled in his inside pocket as Pb yelled into hers, trying to get his attention.

He slowly put his hand over it.

"Of course... I am a hypocrite..." He said softly, "How can I ask for your honesty when I myself am so deceptive... But... But alas..." Of course if it was revealed that his behaviour was a performance, and that the person worthy of her, who would love her more correctly than he could was merely a facade in which his real self hid and genuinely loved her from... Then... Then he could never do this again. He would have to go back to being Lemongrab with his awful table manners and terrible fashion sense.

Eventually she wouldn't like him anymore. But he had said he would do anything. Her happiness was a priority over her love, and he couldn't ask for her to be honest with him with a clean conscience if he himself was a liar.

"Ah...ahem Princess..." He tapped his glass with a fork, "Might I have your attention... If I may..."

"What is it? Or should it be more archaic like uhhh... What art it? Ugh nevermind."

"Essentially... You see... I have lied to you."

LSP froze, remembering Brad and fearing the worst. "What?"

"Yes.. yes unacceptable behaviour I know. I locked my mother in a room and asked her to tell me what to do with this," he set down the Walkie talkie on the table, "I have not been myself today but neither have you so... Please reward my honestly and tell me what ails you."

LSP silently picked up the phone and turned it over.

"Let me help yoooou..." He begged her.

"You... Asked Pb to tell you what to do with this?"

"Yes I did were you... Were you not listening? I can repeat our conversation using my infallible recall-"

LSP stared blankly into space and then quietly said.

"This is so crazy... I did the same thing..."

She floated up, lifted up her dress and pulled out a bird cage with-

"LEMONHOPE! AaaAAAAaaa What are YOOUU DOING HERE?"

"I wish I knew." Said lemonhope, dripping with the milk she'd poured on him to wake him up. "I wish I knew."

Lemongrab was silent and looked from her to him, opening and closing his mouth.

LSP delicately set down the cage, earning weird looks from everyone else in the restaurant. "So um basically... I was like... On my way through the woods. Looking really hot-"

"Of course you were." Said Lemongrab.

"And I see this dude standing in my way, having a whizz."

Lemongrab swiveled his head like a snake to zero in on lemonhope. "Having a... Whizz? Before a PRINCESS? WE DIDN'T RAISE YOU LIKE THIS!"

"In my defense I didn't know there were princesses walking around. Thought it was just me and the trees and I was free to go wherever I wanted."

"Anyway listen to me!" She said grumpily, "I'm telling the story! And I say why aren't you in the earldom?"

"This was after he'd finished his..." Lemongrab was too prudish to finish this sentence so he just waved his hands vaguely and looked distressed.

"Yeah yeah after his whizz and he's all like "I don't really believe in the government so I don't think of it as an earldom" or whatever, and anyway, he said he's not going back there because of you - I didn't get it but I got that he didn't like you and like... No one! Says that about MY boyfriend and lives so I was like-"

Lemongrab looked away in humiliation. "He has...a certain right to that outlook..."

"He does? Well... Anyway-"

"She kept going on and on and she kept asking me questions about what your hobbies are and what your type is and what can I say other than I don't know! Screaming and... Harp haters I guess. And anyway I didn't think you even WANTED that stuff or that you needed it. And I didn't think you'd like someone like," he waved his hand in LSP's direction, "this."

"That's not true at all!" Lemongrab insisted, "I care for you and like you very very much!"

LSP smiled. "S-stop!"

"And then she just started crying," Lemonhope went on, "and then she hit me on the head with a rock and before I know it... She's pouring milk on me to wake me up, I'm in a cage, and she wants to know what your favourite prison system is. What am I supposed to do with that? I don't know man. I don't know."

Lemongrab was still in shock about things but slowly managed to wrap his head around what had happened.

"You mean to say that...To imply to.. confess to me that this entire time you were following hiiiis instructions?!"

"Uh... yeah..."

"But... But...But I like you very much the way you are authentically! There was no need for this... inversion of yourself I can.. understand why you wouldn't like me I have many flaws-"

"Glad to hear this honesty." Said Lemonhope, who was still there.

"-but you are... So acceptable! More than acceptable, even, you are... charming and... Wonderful! Talented, light of my life, perfect specimen!"

"Thanks I know but like.. Lemongrab..." he froze as soon as she said his name and felt his heart stop beating, "I think you're all of that stuff too, you don't have to change yourself for me."

"Are you... certain?"

"Of course I'm certain, dummy," she said, slipping into her usual way of speaking, "and since we've come clean about stuff can you please buy me some proper food like an icecream or something."

Lemongrab called the waiter over and placed an order.

"But really dearest I'm most concerned... I know why I did this but... why you what is there to change? Have I somehow made you... feel unsure of yourself?"

"I dunno it's just that... It's just that... I mean..."

It was hard to talk about because she did like herself... she was hot, and she was cool, and she did crimes, and yes she'd sworn she'd never punch herself into a circle or a square or a triangle for any guy, no matter how much she liked him. But it wasn't enough. No one actually stayed with her. It's so hard when nobody loves you, when nobody needs you - the actual you, this is. Everyone thinks you're weird.

Lemongrab was different though. He wasn't like that. On one of their first few dates she'd mentioned that she wanted to be a writer and that she'd actually written a play and a book and got published! He hadn't said anything so she thought he hadn't listened, and she didn't really think about him again.

But the next time she went to see Turtle Princess at the library she told her that he'd come in and checked out everything she'd ever written, and that he religiously came every week to renew his books. And when she logged on to goodreads she saw that he'd left the most detailed and in depth reviews for each book praising the symbolism and the craft and the quiet meditations on life and philosophical topics. She actually teared up a little. No-one had ever said such things to her before.

That had been the start of things. "The start of us..." she thought.

They'd spent as much time together as they could after that. She'd never gotten so close to someone so quickly. She could talk to him about things- REAL things like life and death and pain and childhood that she'd never told anyone else. He called her after he had nightmares and it felt incredible to be relied on like that, to be trusted to be needed. To know that she could make his worries just go away. No one had ever needed her like that before. It felt nice. It felt like, for the first time in years, that there was someone she could trust. And that if someone who was so sensitive and attentive and intelligent liked her then maybe she wasn't so gross after all.

They liked to go on picnics together, they'd sit on a blanket, and their food would sit a safe three miles away from them. One day he'd seemed kind of, out of things so he hugged him really tight and he pushed her away, muttered something about needing to go home, and left. All of a sudden all the awful feelings she hadn't had for ages came flooding back. He had weird hang ups and he had problems with intimacy and she was gross and weird and really different so of course he didn't like her AAA WHY WAS SHE SO UGLY AND AWFUL AND OVERBEARING! Brad had been sad, what happened with Johnnie hadn't been bonny... she couldn't think of a rhyme for Finn because she also sucked as a writer but he never liked her and she could never tell and now the same awful, painful thing was going to happen again to the person who meant more to her than all those over dumb boys put together.

Meeting Lemonhope and hearing him just... plainly describe all the reasons why they shouldn't work out had been the final straw.

"I mean... Johnnie and Brad starting dating someone else as soon as they couldn't be bothered with me... And ... I guess I've always kinda changed myself for people, yknow, I guess I'm just... Not used to being with someone who like, Likes me... as in the real me."

"I too am... unused to this... Acceptance..."

"But we can get used to it. Together."

"Yes! Yes of course! How... Silly I feel for all this I mean look at me... I wanted you to like me so badly I started taking my clothes off..."

"I wanted you to like me so badly I started putting clothes ON." Said LSP, and slid out of her ugly dress and threw her hat on the floor, feeling much better. "We're both so dumb."

"But we are stupid in the same ways. That is a form of intimacy I suppose. In fact... I'd even say this proves that we really are..."

"Perfect for each other?"

"Precisely what I was going to say!"

"You wanna go..." she picked up the icecream lemonwaiter brought her and tossed it in her mouth, "Continue this somewhere else?"

"Yes! Yes of course I'll go anywhere you want!"

"Well then... Wanna go throw eggs at Mellissa?" she suggested.

"Yeeessssss..." Lemongrab hissed.

They held each others hands and ran away laughing. Lemongrab forgot his Walkie talkie, and about Lemonhope who was able to pick the lock and leave, and more importantly forgot his mother.

Pb had given up on trying to get through to him. She'd heard what happened and she'd heard him leave.

She was going to be spending the night. She decided to take a proper look around the room she was in.

She walked over to the stand and looked at the photograph on it. It was a picture of the two brothers, smiling and happily standing next to each other.

"I never saw him this happy before..." She thought.

They were happy together before things went sour, pun intended. Sure he was stable now but he wasn't happy. Not like he'd been before. He seemed detached and out of it when she visited him for check ups, he gave one word answers and stared at the floor. He barely seemed to eat anything- LSP was right about that.

He'd been happy today though. She thought about how his face lit up when he'd talked about her, and how much they liked each other. And they did seem to like each other- LSP did genuinely like him for whatever mystical reason. She'd been wrong. Being lonely wasn't his only stable relationship model. He did need other people.

And somehow, there were other people in the world who needed him.

And maybe LSP wasn't the right person for him, but she'd rushed him. It was his first girlfriend she should've let him do things how he wanted. He'd been having fun if nothing else and she'd upset him, and like last time, he'd snapped.

"You just keep making the same mistake again and again..." She pondered. "And now you're trapped in here."

It was all hopeless. She went and tried to door to make herself feel even more trapped and upset but found that lemongrab had forgotten to lock her in.

Oh my glob. How stupid of her to not try it first!

She stomped out and made her way back home. As she walked she thought to herself.

"I guess maybe I did do things wrong. I'm not a fun caring mom and I never will be. Lemongrab can only ever be lemongrab, lsp can only be herself, and I can only be me."

It was a little bit sad though... it had felt kinda nice when she thought she'd helped him but she'd been out of his life for too long, and too much had happened. Not that they'd ever been very close to begin with...

I'm glad he has a girlfriend. She thought suddenly, I'm glad he's happy. And if she hurts him... I don't think I could ever forgive her.

But even with her newfound fondness for her creation, duty called. She dialled the banana guard phone number.

"Hello police," she said, watching as the sun set over her son's castle "get your butts over here and arrest these dummies."


End file.
